Difficult Post, But I Know I Need to Share

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Well, this post is very hard for me to write because I know I might offend someone, and it also very personal. I was reading one of my Christian blogs this morning, and God impressed me that I needed to share. So I shall.

My marriage broke down in many areas, but I know which one hurt me the most--our physical relationship. I will be candid, but I will handle this delicately.

I remember as a young girl of 18 when I got engaged. I had made the commitment to only kiss the man that I married. And I did not kiss Paul (that was his name) until we got engaged. I remember that night very clearly. I remember the first time we kissed, and how even then, he told me I did it wrong, and I needed to do it differently the second time. I was so in love that I didn't even notice. We had only dated six weeks, and it was a highly romantic spot--the third floor of the ship at Disney's Pleasure Island in Orlando, Florida.

Following that night, our physical relationship really took off. We were committed to not having sex until we got married. I remember how hard it is was waiting during our 13-month engagement. I learned all I could about sex by reading great Christian books on the subject and talking openly with married women. We often almost went too far, but thankfully nothing happened.

We got married--it was a fantastic ceremony, everything I had dreamed. And off we went to the hotel. Things were fine. We were both excited--after all, Paul was 10 years older than I--and we were both in love. We could hardly wait for the evening to unfold. Things went along very well. I remember getting changed into my negligee bought just for the purpose, and he wasn't ready for me to come out. It was interminable waiting as he lit candles. I just wanted to come out and get going. I should have seen this as a warning of future things.

My wedding night was a horrific experience in many ways. Again, I was told that I wasn't doing things right--as if he was an expert. He was no more experienced than I. I can remember falling to the floor in tears and yelling out, "I'm so sorry you made a mistake in marrying me! I'll call my mom right now and tell her that it was a mistake and have her pick me up!" I sometimes wish I had made that phone call. I was very close to picking up the phone. He just dismissed my tears as he normally did. And things went on.

You know, I thought that would be harder to share. I didn't tell my mom about my wedding night experience until during or after the divorce. In fact, I put the experience out of my mind and just thought, "I overreacted." But I hadn't. I can see now that in so many ways, this was the beginning of the end.

Throughout our marriage, he used sex as a weapon. I'll go into that more in another post. I really felt ugly because of how I was treated. I believed that I was not desirable as a woman. He was the only man who ever showed interest. But he was the only man I ever dated. And then he used my love of the physical relationship against me.

Well, that's enough for this morning. I think that I have basically healed from being treated like this, but I know I will never forget it. And I plan to instill in my daughter the lessons I have learned someday. I don't ever want her to experience the pain that I did in this area.