Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Twilight Tuesday--I Have Come to the Realization

This is one of the books I am currently reading for review.  I have to admit that I really wasn't too into the reading of this book, and even as I crawled into bed last night, I was only reading it to fall asleep.

I guess God had other ideas.  I plan to fully review the book once I am done reading it, but God really left me speechless last night as I read (pretty hard for me to be rendered speechless).  In order to explain last night,  I have to go back in time a couple years.

When I still lived in Texas, Martin's and my relationship was truly blossoming and growing.  We had become physical.  We had discussed marriage.  I think we had even had our big blow up at this point that almost ended things between us for good.  I am not sure.

I can remember one very specific night when I was really feeling down about things.  In fact, I think I told God it just wasn't worth waiting for Martin to be saved.  He never was going to be saved, and loving Martin was just too hard.  I think I asked God if I could be released from loving Martin.

I did receive a response.  God told me that I was free to let Martin go.  I didn't have to keep loving him.  I could go on with my life.  God also said that if I did that, I would have to accept the consequences of my actions.  The consequences would be a true loss of the friendship, and the loss would be irreversible.  I had a serious decision to make.

I remember being tempted to walk away and leave it all, but after so many years and all that had happened between us, I really struggled to do that.  In the end, I made the right decision.  I can remember God reminding me of my decision and even giving me the same offer at a later time.

Fast forward a couple years.  Currently, things are not quite that great between us.  He is uptight, mad, and frustrated.  I can remember the same thoughts crossing my mind.  Was it worth it to wait?  Should I go on with my life?  Maybe I should stop hoping and praying.

As I read this book last night, I read about relationships suffering difficult times.  We so often think that if our relationships come to rocky times that we chose the wrong person or it was never meant to be.  We weren't really "in love" with that person after all.  God came to me and said that I no longer had a choice.  Okay, I suppose if I wanted to go contrary to God's will, I could walk away, but the choice God gave me two years ago was no longer valid.  And I couldn't be happier.

Yes, I am a single mother.  My daughter has an absent father.  My dad is in poor health and makes my life more difficult than most people could imagine.  I am only a month or two away from not being able to make a   mortgage payment on my home.  I am not married, not dating, and I have no prospects.  I have no full-time job, and  there are no prospects.  No woman in her right mind would continue waiting on a guy like Martin.

Well, here is what I say.  God's plans are always better than my own.  And I will say this.  My relationship with Martin is probably better than most fo the marriages in this world!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings tonight.  It really has helped me!


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