Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Twilight Tuesday

Yes, it's late,  but I do have something to share from my heart.  The purpose of Twilight Tuesdays is to share about times in your life when things were rather dark--not completely dark because God was there.

I'll share something that  I think was a very difficult moment within my marriage.  Warning, this is tough to read and may cause some  of you anger.  But know that in  the end, God brought me to the other side.  It is probably the point I should have realized my marriage was  over, but instead I blocked  it out of my mind.

The physical aspect of  my marriage was always a difficult part of my marriage.  He didn't like it much except when it came to meeting his own needs.  He hated meeting mine.  I have to admit I made sure that he met my needs, but I also made it a point to meet his whenever possible.

I don't remember the exact situation that brought all this about,  but we had been very busy and had not been intimate.  I may have  even said no--one of the few  times in the marriage  I ever did.  He was the one he generally said no.

I was cleaning house--he expected that, and I was trying to keep things happy.  The Two Towers film had just come  out.  We had seen the first installment of the series when it came out, and we talked of seeing the sequel.  I guess I asked him quite a bit--maybe even pestered him.  I think  he had said we were going to go, but then he changed his mind  or wouldn't say when.  I asked if we could go, and he did something that completely shocked me.  He never did it again, and trust me,  I would never let any man do it to me again.

He said we could go if we had intercourse.  I was stunned, and I am pretty sure I initially refused.  I said I wanted to finish the house cleaning before we did.  He wouldn't let up.  Essentially, he said that either we didn't go to the film until we had intercourse.

I was met with a dilemma.  The independent woman in me revolted, but we rarely did anything fun.  So I thought I'd go ahead and let him "rape" me.  Yes, that is what it was.  I think I even realized I was doing that. But I didn't care.  And we got it done  fast--faster than ever.  He was so happy.  He thought I liked it.  I secretly hated it, and only endured so we could go see the film.

Now, why did I share this?  I think that possibly "married  rape" happens more than we think.  And the main thing to realize is that this kind of behavior is very wrong.  Intercourse without true love and mutual respect is nothing special.  It is no more than what animals do,  And that is what I became--an animal. I let a man--even though he was my husband--take something from me without any real love or caring.  I let him take it from me, and I felt quite violated and really resented him in time to come.  I think that  we as women need to be careful with what we allow our men to do.  Even now as I write this, there is a great loathing inside of me.  I can't believe I ever did that!

As I was reading The Vixen Manual, I realized just how much power we women do have in a relationship.  We teach those men how to treat us.  We set the standards and often lower them.  Don't do it!  Treat yourself with enough respect to know that nothing is worth lowering your standards and succumbing to something that goes against your principles.  You are a beautiful creature whom God created.  And to quote an old saying, "God don't make no  junk!"


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