Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Twilight Tuesday--I Didn't Want To Write Tonight

You might notice that Tuesday is almost over as I write this.  I have just recovered from my little emotional time. I have been fighting tears off and on for weeks, I do believe.  And, well, I burst out with them tonight.   I don't think Martin knew--he absolutely hates my tears, and I hate having to hide them from him.

I have to admit that I am in the midst of a lot of  "twilight" moments.  I will soon have to foreclose on my house.  In spite of all that  I did (at God's leading), my renters have lied so much and continue to cheat me out of the rent money that I have no other  alternative.  I will not be making my mortgage payment for the first time ever, and it feels  really strange.  I can't say I'm too worried about losing the house.  I am more upset that these people who called themselves Christians have behaved so despicably.  And the woman involved was the one who turned my daughter on to reading back in preschool.  It is so tough to have to go through this.

But  that pales in comparison to dealing with my Dad.  Yes, he has gotten worse.  I have begun being more vocal,  and now he yells at me and treats me like I am 6 years old.  He lies, and he says horrible things about my mom,  Martin, and me.  He hates Martin.  He sees my mom as his mother, and I bear the brunt of his  anger since he  is afraid of my mom.

But  I probably can deal with that better than waiting on Martin.  While I want to be physical with him and he hasn't been interested, that would only be a bandaid to what is going on within me.  Yes, I know there are small signs that show me that things are going on.  But he is so angry at my dad, and he will not let himself feel what he I know he feels for me.  He is the quintessential man--afraid of feelings and of course, commitment.  I believe God will save him, but sometimes it is so hard.  God continues to impress me that I must be ready at a moment's notice.  And yet I have to wait?  That doesn't make sense, but isn't that how God works?  Did He not ask Abraham to wait for years for a son?  Does He ask Christians to be prepared for His Second Coming although he promised that return over two thousand years ago?

Now that I write all this out, much of it seems trivial.  Everybody is essentially healthy.  We have a home.  We  have enough food to eat.  And I have to say that the friendship I share with Martin is one that many people would give almost anything to have.  He has been there through thick and thin.  He steps in as Martha's father on a regular basis.  He treats me like a lady sometimes, and he also drops the jesting insults.  We can joke around with great ease, and I could tell Martin anything and he wouldn't leave.  Yes, we have our fights.  We have our difficult moments.  But he also treated me like a queen just a couple weeks ago.  How many single divorcees have a relationship like I do with a man like Martin?  I know married women who are not best friends with their husbands.  They don't really like to be around them.

I told God that I didn't know if I could keep holding on.  That's the wrong thing to say.  God is only asking me to let Him control my flesh and my soul.  He is not asking me to hold on.  He is asking me to let Him hold on through me.  Wow, that is quite a statement.  God is only asking me to accept what He has already given me.  No, I cannot do it.  I can't keep going on.  I can't keep holding on.  I can't keep waiting.  But God can.

Lord God, You have asked me to let go and let You control  my life.  Without You, I have no life.  I know not what You have for me in the future.  I don't know what You will allow to happen.  But God, I know that You already know.  You see the past, present, and future.  You know it all.  You know what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, etc.  You do ask me to be ready at a moment's notice.  You ask me to trust You.  You ask me to let Your love envelop me entirely.  You ask me to let You hold my hand and encircle me in Your arms.  I pray that I will humble myself and let You do that.  May I let go of all my hindrances.  Yes, I have vivid dreams and hopes, and if You want, I will completely surrender those to You as well.  But I also know that You have given those to me to give me hope.  Maybe things look bleak.  Maybe You aren't answering my prayers in the way I want.  But I know that You have only my best interests in mind.  I do pray that I will continue to rest in Your will and only follow what You lead me to do.  May I do nothing on my own without You.  For that is when I fail.

Well, you know what, I did not fail tonight.  I cried out to God--yes, that is okay.  If you can't be honest with God, who can you be honest with?  I would have failed tonight if I gave everything up or even if I pursued physical intimacy with Martin tonight.  God did not lead me there.  But I can say this.  Martin held me quite tenderly tonight as we said goodnight.  We broke away, but he now holds me like he doesn't want to let me go.  I've been holding him like that for a while.  But I have noticed that change.  Maybe he can't set things aside to fully focus on me--or he won't do it--but I know that God is working on him.  Martin will be saved, and I believe Martin and I will be married one day, but I cannot say I know when.  And I will not give up.


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