Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My Struggles

I would say my struggles the past few days deal with the whole issue of purity. It really is hard when you have been married, you divorce, and then you fall in love with someone else but you have to wait on God's timing! I never realized how difficult that could be. I'll share just a little bit of my struggles but in the right way so I don't embarrass anyone.

I fell out of love with my ex long before we were divorced. It was clear that he was attempting to control me, and I wouldn't be controlled. I was committed to him, and I suppose had I not felt threatened, I would still be in the marriage. I had no choice but to get out to protect my daughter and me. He used sex as a weapon quite a bit in our marriage. He knew I liked it, so he withheld it. Really twisted, isn't it?

I met Martin (my best friend) before my marriage was over. Our friendship was purely platonic. And I am very serious about that. We were cautious, and although my ex accused me of having an affair (that came out in the divorce proceedings), there was never a hint of that. Was I tempted? Yes, but I can assure you we never put ourselves in that position. My ex even went to the extreme of thinking that Martha wasn't his. That's a really funny one since I was pregnant when I first met Martin. I know it makes no sense, but there you see the workings of the mind of a bipolar or schizophrenic man--at least one who refuses treatment.

As the divorce proceedings were coming to an end, I felt myself becoming quite lonely. It was tough. I began to look on eHarmony. Yes, I did. I was ready to go through with signing up for a month subscription when my friend Martin made a very interesting proposal. I'm serious. He was trying to find a way to remain in the USA all the time, and the "easy" way is to marry an American citizen. I remember realizing for the first time that I loved him and would marry him if he were saved. He decided he was not in love with me, so he encouraged me to go ahead with eHarmony. I did. And I looked around on every site imaginable to try to find someone to date. I had to do something with my feelings.

I'm not proud of the fact that I found a guy online. We even got engaged. We were heavily involved. It's what you call rebound. Not from my ex but from Martin. I'm glad that God used Martin and my mom to wake me up to the big mistake I nearly made. I broke off my engagement, and I realized that I was in love with Martin. I was highly attracted to him. He wasn't to me.

I could go into lots of detail, but I'll protect the innocent. Martin has been a Godsend in so many ways. My goodness, there is so much between the two of us. We have more of a relationship than many married couples I know. I'm not even speaking of the physical. I'm speaking of the fact that we have a strong friendship that has weathered a lot of storms. And I mean A LOT!

My struggles over the past couple days are that I want to be physical--really badly. I can remember dealing with the issues many times over the past few years. I can remember even getting mad that God would not let me go all the way physically. God and I have had loads of discussions about this especially in the past couple years. But I am committed to doing it God's way. I cannot go against the Word of God. Okay, I can, but I choose not to. Martin knows that, and thankfully he respects that. If he didn't, I can assure you our friendship would end immediately.

My daughter is very blessed to have Martin in her life, too. She looks to him as a father figure, and he has done a lot of pushing her to do what she wasn't sure she could. Everyone remarks about hos Martha's confidence has improved. I have to say even mine has.

Years ago, I would not do the following:
1. Drive on the freeways.
2. Use power tools and machines.
3. Spend any time outdoors.
4. Listen to country music--or any music with which I was not familiar.
5. Reach out to people who were not exactly like me.

Now, due to Martin's influence, I do the following:
1. Drive an hour to work--freeways are included. I may not like the freeways, but I have confidence that I can drive. I can even listen to music and sing as I drve.
2. I have used chainsaws and wood splitters.
3. I don't spend time outdoors on my own, but I do go outside and even enjoy it.
4. Country music is one of my favorite styles of music. And I am discovering how eclectic my music tastes are.
5. I have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends. And many are nothing like me.

Dear Lord, Please keep me pure in Your sight. May my foot not slip. Keep me strong in my convictions. When I feel that I want to give in, please show me the way out. You have promised that You will never send temptations that are more than we can bear. You have promised to make a way of escape. May I not take the "easy" way out. May I be willing to see the escape route and take it. Even if it means I must jump high or crouch down low!

In Your Most Majestic Name,

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing, I see your heart and soul coming through in the post.